One of my favorite quotes from the Dalai Lama is: “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” This is a nugget of wisdom that was reinforced early in my professional career and it remains with me. It has helped me to find new insights, new opportunities and to make real connections with people/
I’m not talking about listening so you know when it’s your turn to speak up. I am referencing listening to connect to the speaker and the content. There is a neuroscience basis for the importance of listening to connect. When we are truly listening and engaged we are activating higher-level pathways in our brain electrically and chemically. We are taking in information, processing it and activating the thinking and creative areas of our brain. Further, when we actively listen, the speaker picks up on this and they too experience positive benefits in their brain.
Too much science for you? Consider this: Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group said, “Great listeners are often terrific at uncovering and putting in place strategies and plans that have a big impact.” What will you miss by not really listening? A new business opportunity, perhaps?
Do You Really Listen?
There are different levels of listening. What we do most of the time is listening while multi-tasking—tuning into a podcast or music while we are on the treadmill; listening to the radio while driving; listening to a speaker while checking and composing emails.
Sometimes we think we are paying attention (i.e. we are not multi-tasking) but our mind is racing. What do I need to do after this meeting? Where will I eat today?
The real opportunity comes when we are listening to connect and learn (aka active listening)—fully tuning into the speaker and the content, trying to absorb everything without judging or embellishing. This is where the real connection and opportunity to learn can occur.
You can enhance your skill at listening to learn. Here are a few approaches to consider:
§ Focus your attention and open yourself to really hear the words: Remove distractions like your electronic devices. Put down the note taking instruments. Sit comfortably and remain open. Uncross your legs and arms—it’s not great for you and it sends a negative message to others, especially the speaker. Strive to find the meaning of what is being said but don’t allow yourself to jump to conclusions or impose your own ideas.
§ Don’t interrupt or be too quick to respond: Isn’t it annoying when someone finishes a sentence for you? Well, hold back on offering your perspective or rebuttal. Don’t feel you have to immediately say anything. Take a moment to just absorb. Perhaps offer a positive ‘hmm” or “that’s interesting” as a bridge while you take time to process the message. When you immediately respond, you probably weren’t really listening; your mind was running through all the points you want to raise.
§ Confirm the speaker’s point of view before expressing yours: As a first response, take the opportunity to make sure you really understand the points the speaker was conveying. Too often we think we got the meaning correctly but we are really off base. Summarize what you heard, indicating this is your interpretation, and allow the speaker to clarify. This signals that you were listening and are trying to learn and helps to reinforce a link between you and the speaker.
§ Ask probing questions: Now you can move into active conversation with the speaker (and others). Don’t be judgmental and don’t try to steer the conversation just to support your point of view. Ask probing questions that help you gain further insights. And remember: continue to listen to what is being said.
If you begin to really listen, what will you learn? Then, what can you do?